Decline of the kitchen !!!

This has probably been the topic of discussion at many dinner tables over the years. Probably not so much now as it was 10 or 15 yrs ago. It was such an important topic that Jerry Clower discussed it on stage and Lewis Grizzard wrote about it in books and newspaper articles. The topic of discussion was the decline of the American kitchen. Let me take a moment to back track to my childhood in order for you to better understand why it was the decline of the American kitchen.
My grandfather was a mechanic and it just so happened that his garage stood about 25 yards from his house. Now my grandmother to my knowledge never worked outside of the home. She raised the 4 children that they had and was also my grandfather's book keeper. What she also did was cook at least two meals a day for my grandfather. She would get out of bed long before anyone else to fix breakfast. I don't mean she got up and put bowls on the table and filled them with cereal. When I say breakfast that is what I mean, she would scramble eggs, cook either bacon, sausage, hotlink sausage or country ham. On top of everything else she would make biscuits from scratch which involved a large mixing bowl, butter milk, lard and her hands. There was not very many meals at their table that did not consist of biscuits.
She would make biscuits at night for supper( I am still not sure what dinner is). Biscuits could be used as part of your meal or they could be saved for desert. The reason they could be desert was because there was always sorghum syrup in the house.Let me explain how this works at the start of supper you take a hot biscuit and open it up put butter in it and then sit to the side in order for the butter to completely saturate the biscuit. Then you would eat whatever Mamaw had made for supper that night whether it was fried chicken, country fried steak or fried chicken livers ( see a pattern here? We will discuss southern cooking at a later date)then after your plate was clean you took the biscuit opened it back up placed it in the middle of your plate and poured syrup all over the top of it. Please do not be mistaken I am not talking about syrup in a plastic bottle that you buy at the grocery store. This syrup was made by someone straight from the sugar cane and sent to my grandparents at Christmas. I will pick up where I was before I discussed syrup. After your biscuit was covered with syrup then you ate it, now here is the part that is the most important whatever syrup was left on your plate you then took a second biscuit and sopped up the remaining syrup.
Then there was what I called earlier the decline of the American kitchen. I am not real sure who it was or what company he worked for nor does it matter. Someone introduced canned biscuits or as my grandfather, Jerry Clower and Lewis Grizzard affectionately called "WHOMP" biscuits because of the sound that was heard when you smacked the can on the counter to open the biscuits. Here was the problem with "WHOMP" biscuits they did not take butter the same way as home-made buttermilk biscuits, they also did not taste as good even if the can said buttermilk biscuits, and then there was the sin against all man-kind you could not take a "WHOMP" biscuit and sop anything with it because it would fall apart.I think the introduction of the canned biscuit may have started the down fall of America, along with Apple Pie in a box, and Colonel Sanders poor excuse for Fried Chicken.
I know all these things were introduced for convenience as more women left the home to join the work force. I am not by any means saying that a woman's place is in the kitchen because I do not feel that way. What I am saying is get online one day and look up a recipe for home made buttermilk biscuits, go buy some cane syrup at the store, get your kids off their phones, invite everyone to the dinner table for home made biscuits and syrup. I promise you it will be the most memorable dinner you have had in a very long time. I remember just about everyone I ever had.

Santa or Scarecrow? Who knows......

When I was younger we always celebrated Christmas Eve at my grandparent’s house. At the time the family was still very small. Now we have to rent out a concert hall to celebrate Christmas. Although we are a very large family we still make it a point to gather on Christmas Eve. There are still some very interesting stories that come out of it but none of them will ever rival the one I am fixing to tell.

As I stated we celebrated Christmas Eve at my grandparent’s house. My grandmother would always cook the normal Christmas meal that consisted of Turkey and dressing, deviled eggs, green beans, and my grandmother’s world famous chocolate cake. Ok it is not world famous but it should be people waited all year for my grandmother to make chocolate cakes. I think for some people it wasn’t Christmas until they had it.

Well my grandparent’s loved Christmas they just were never big on decorating the outside of the house. They usually had two big plastic candles that stood on each side of the front door they lit up when you plugged them in.

Then there was the life sized Santa that would sit in a chair on the front porch. Let me explain how this thing looked. It was plastic and to get it to look jolly like Santa you had to stuff it with newspaper. Santa’s face was separate from the rest of his body. Once you got him stuffed the face went on much like a Halloween mask with an elastic string around the back of his head.

For some reason I have yet to figure out this Santa was very popular. The more I think about it I think it would have served better as a scarecrow in my grandfather’s garden than it did as a decoration.

It seemed like every year for many years one of the adults would sneak out the back door and pull the mask off of Santa then wear it themselves. They would then proceed to either knock on the door or peek in the windows. Inevitably one person would always say “ I hope you were good this year! Santa is right outside!” All the kids would run to see and yup there he was. I had no idea Santa was also peeping tom.

I have yet for the life of me figured out why the adults got such a kick out this every year. I promise you though if there is one picture with someone wearing that mask there is a hundred pictures. I think most of them are of my dad wearing the mask. Well now I have to ask the question. What was my dad’s infatuation with that mask? I am not sure back in the day he was all there. He did saw himself out of a tree when he was little, but that is another story for another time.

Well now we don’t have Christmas at my grandparent’s house anymore and I am sure the Santa mask has dry rotted. Then again maybe he found another home or another purpose. Maybe Santa is in someone’s corn field now making sure crows don’t come into the field.

One thing is for sure that mask made for a lot of good laughs and more good memories. I think when I finish writing this I will get on the internet and try to find one. I will send it to my dad so he can stuff it and put it on his front porch. That way he can have just as much fun with his grandkids as he did with us when we were young. I think they would really get as many laughs out of it as we did.

Hot is not the word for it!!!!!!

As I have stated before many times growing up me and my cousins spent a lot of time at my Grandparent’s house. We were there after school most days and pretty much everyday during the summer. For some reason every time we were all together we would wind up spending the night there.

At the time my Grandparent’s had 5 or 6 grandchildren. Usually it was just me, my brother, and my cousin Kirk that would stay all the time. My grandparent’s house is a three bedroom house and at that time my great grandmother was living with them. So that only left one bedroom for 3 boys. Then to top it all off that bedroom was only occupied by a full size bed.

Well my grandparent’s house was built sometime early 1950’s. It is a very big house and had lots of space and it even had indoor plumbing. Unlike our dad’s before us we did not have to put our shoes on the go to the bathroom. The only creature comfort it did not have was central heat and air. The house was heated in the winter time with 2 very small gas heaters. In the summer time all you had to cool you off was a floor fan.

Since this story involves winter how the house felt in the summer is not important. So let me give you the layout as best I can so you will better understand. Walk in the back door and you are in the kitchen and the dining room, laundry room and bath room are all on one end of the house and where one of the heaters is. Open a door into a hall and you had my great grandmother’s room and the spare room, no heater in that part of the house. At the end of the hall is another door. This door leads into the living room and off to one side of the living room is my grandparent’s room this is the other end of the house where the other heater is located.

I think it goes without saying that the two bed rooms in the middle of the house since they are closed of from the heaters can and did get very cold in the winter time. So for the sake of this story let’s focus on the spare room. The room itself was probably fifteen by fifteen with twelve foot ceilings and tile on the floors.

Spending the night at Mamaw and Papaw’s was always a blast. Mamaw stayed up late because she would always watch the news before she went to bed. She would always let us snack on whatever we wanted no matter what time it was. Plus Papaw had to get up early to check his cattle so she always cooked breakfast and I am not talking about poptarts. I mean she cooked breakfast eggs, sausage, bacon, grits and biscuits.

When you have three boys spending the night bed time is always interesting. Mamaw would get the bed ready and turn on the electric blanket (This thing still haunts my dreams). So you have three boys sleeping together in a full size bed with the only way to stay warm was the electric blanket. For some reason I have yet to figure out Mamaw must have thought it got to 30 or 40 below zero in the winter time in Georgia. She would always crank that blanket up to high. O.k. so picture this three boys in a bed basically on top of each other topped off by an electric blanket that was hotter than the fires of hell and then on top of that two handmade quilts which were stuffed with down. So needless to say it was more than warm. It did not matter though how warm it was in the bed cause once you feet touched that tile floor you had to move anyway.

You could never escape the heat of this blanket because if you climbed out from under it you were still on top of it. So every night we stayed there it was like sleeping in sauna. Then there was the ever constant fear that my little brother would wet the bed and we would all die a slow agonizing death due to electrocution from pee getting on the electric blanket. I guess looking back on it though that would explain why I was such a skinny child. I lost weight under that blanket from all the sweat. I am sure my grandparent’s could probably supplement their income today by putting all those blankets on the bed and pitching it to people as the latest weight loss craze. Crazy thing is I know from experience it would work.

Sometimes I want to go to Mamaw and Papaw’s in the winter and sleep in that bed one more time. I will say that my brother and Kirk will not invited number one because we are all a lot older and a lot bigger and number two I have not asked my brother’s wife if he still wets the bed. Those were great times and I would not change them for anything in this world.

P.S. To keep him from suing me if I ever get famous from writing my stories my brother never wet the bed under the electric blanket at Mamaw and Papaw’s house. He did that when we shared a bed at home.

Not just sloppy joe anymore!!!!

My wife and I are new to Hall County. So far we couldn’t ask for a better place to live. My wife has family here so when we were looking to move it was a no brainer. We have had lots of fun since moving here. Our son has watched the Falcons practice on several occasions, my wife gets to go to the antique stores in downtown Flowery Branch and I get to eat pizza a lot since we live close to the best pizzeria in town, Fini’s in the shopping center at the corner Hog Mountain Rd. and Spout Springs. That is very nice because we all enjoy those things, especially me. There is nothing better in this world than a good pizza pie with a ton of cheese.

Well we spent the summer checking out all the things to do in and around our neighborhood. Summer quickly drew to a close and it was time for Jacob (son) to go back to school. So he was super excited as any seven year old would be at the thought of a new school. Time to make new friends, meet new teachers, and if you knew my son you would know he was more excited about the possibility of sitting next to a cute little blonde haired girl. Yeah that is another story for another time all I will say is school has been in for 2 weeks now and he has a girlfriend. I know it’s wonderful. He is seven and I have this problem already. He will be thirty when he graduates.

The day finally came that we had to take him to register and meet his teacher. Well you couldn’t have knocked the smile off his face with bat. There were several days between open house and when school started those days were insane. School shopping, guess we had to get new clothes so he could look good for his girlfriend. I never knew that new clothes helped you learn, I guess that is why I did so poor in school since I always wore hand me downs. So after I took out a second mortgage on the house to school shop it was finally time to start school.

It was the Sunday night before the first day of school and my wife is going over everything with Jacob. She reminded him of his rules and how to behave at school. Then there was something about not talking to little girls in class when you are supposed to be working. Guess that rule went in one ear and out the other considering he has a girlfriend already. Then it came to his lunch money and going over the lunch menu to decide when he was going to eat or take his lunch. I will take a moment to explain something about Jacob so you have a better understanding. He is a picky eater. Now when I say picky, I don’t mean he won’t eat his veggies. I mean the child would live off of grilled cheese and chicken nuggets if we let him. Anyhow, we start going over the menu and I almost fell in the floor laughing so hard. There were things on the menu I never expected to see on a school menu.

There was Smokey Rib Sandwich, Cheesy Ravioli, Asian Popcorn Chicken, Ham and Cheese Wrap, and Sweet and Sour chicken. I never in a hundred years would have expected to see stuff like this on a school menu. When I was in school there were only about five things that they fixed and those five things just rotated days. We had a processed chicken patty that I am still not 100% sure was really chicken. We had pizza, of course, hotdogs, hamburgers and the ever popular Sloppy Joe, which was very much a staple food in the cafeteria when I was in school. Well I am here to tell you that it’s not like that anymore.

I guess the schools went out on a recruiting mission to find a better way to feed kids. I figure there were some calls put in to Chef Bobby Flay and Paula Deen. I look at the school menu now and I really have the urge to go back to school instead of working. A kid in school now can spend $1.40 and eat something that is not a mystery. I am starting to wonder if there is an overload of trained chef’s and the job market is full. That was the only reason I could think of that the school menu reads much like a menu at Applebee’s or Chili’s and not so much like it did the week before. School lunches have really come a long way since the days of the Sloppy Joe and the lunchroom lady in a hairnet and orthopedic shoes.

I wrote this one for my dear mother. She was a school cafeteria manager for many years. I love you very much momma and I know you never wore orthopedic shoes but you are guilty of the hairnet.

Just can't figure it out

It is approaching the time year that people in the state of Georgia live for. It is also the time of year when friends and neighbors will fight like the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. May be the only of time of year when the Pastor won’t be mad if you are late for church. People save up vacation days at work so they can use them for the next five months. Households will even divide up against each other. If you have not figured out what I am talking about yet then this column will mean nothing to you. The time of year I speak of is college football season. If you were not born in the south then you probably will not understand.

College football season is always and interesting time in my house. My lovely wife is like a lot of the state of Georgia. She is a die hard Bulldog fan or as they call themselves “DAWGS”. I myself happen to be a fan of the team in Alabama that does not wear crimson. I am an Auburn fan or as we call ourselves “TIGERS”. So this brings about a lot of turmoil in a house where we otherwise love each other very much. I still love her very much during football season I just don’t like her sometimes. Like two years ago when the “DAWGS” broke out the black jerseys and put a whoopin’ on the “TIGERS” or last year when the “DAWGS” came to the Plains and whooped the “TIGERS” again.

Regardless of how I feel about my wife or the team follows I had to ask myself one question. When you are not born in Georgia and you move here how do you decide what team to follow? To answer this question I went straight to the best source I know, my wife. My wife was born and spent a lot of her life in New York. Now just so I am clear she has lived here longer than she lived in the North. So her answer to me was not as in depth as I had hoped but it was an answer nonetheless.

Someone moving to the south that lived in north does not understand football so they are very impressionable and can be easily swayed. She fell in with a bunch of friends that indoctrinated her into the world of SEC football. I am sure they told her that Vince Dooley is friends with God. Then they probably told her that no boys in the county would date her if she wasn’t a “DAWG” fan. I will say this living in Georgia and being an Auburn fan is very tough. So I guess I can almost understand why she made the choice that she did.

I am not trying to ruffle the feathers of any UGA football fans. I myself since meeting my wife find myself rooting for the “DAWGS” unless they are playing Auburn. I would say 99.9% of my friends are “DAWG” fans. So I respect them as a football team simply because they play in toughest conference in college football, the SEC. That in itself is reason enough to support any team in that plays in said conference.

I love my wife very much and I would not trade her for anything in the world. I just hope this football season passes without me having to sleep on the couch or retain a divorce attorney. I hope this season passes without any my friends wanting to fight me. If any of the above do take place I hope I have at least have one friend that will take me in for the remainder of football season. My wife is a “DAWG” fan and that I have to deal with until she comes around and becomes an Auburn fan. I guess I have one thing that I say beyond the shadow of a doubt. When her family moved here from New York I am glad she didn’t run into a group of friends that tried to convince her that Steve Spurrier is friends with God and it would be cool to wear jean shorts.